so I know I’ve been absent from this blog for way too long and I’m really sorry. A lot has been happening like my room mate arrived and I had midterms and loads of other stuff, mostly positive but there was one thing that happened which was the main reason for me not posting anything in so long: my grandmother died.
It happened in the middle of September, pretty much right after my last post. My dad called me in school. during lunch break and as soon as I heard my phone ring and saw the called ID I knew what he was going to say. She was really old, so it wasn’t really surprising, but it was hard nonetheless. We had a difficult relationship, she was a difficult woman and I honestly didn’t know how to feel about it. My dad had told me to visit her before I left for England. I didn’t. I said I couldn’t. And it really would have been too much for me. I wouldn’t have been able to deal with it, with her, or with what was left of her. When I say that you have to know that she had Alzheimers.
It’s horrible to watch someone degrade slowly, lose themselves bit by bit, even if you didn’t particularly like the person they were, it’s still horrible to watch someone lose themselves like that. Anybody with a friend, relative or even just acquaintance with this disease will probably know what I am talking about. Anyways, all of this, our relationship, her disease, our history, it made every visit very difficult, it made every visit very sad and exhausting. I couldn’t do it. I had too much else going on.
And now I keep wondering. Keep wondering whether I would feel better now if I had gone or not. But I guess there is no real answer.
I went back home for the funeral, which was four or five weeks later. Before, I kept telling myself that it would be good for me, that it would make me feel better. But really, I went for my dad. I knew that he wanted us all there and I’m glad that I went. I know how much it meant to him.
I’m back in England now, sick because of all the travelling I did last week and I feel worse than I did before. The grief only really struck me now, I am really homesick, I don’t want to have a room mate, I keep remembering things that happened last year and I am panicking about school. I know that I just need time but that’s the one thing I don’t have here. Time. Time alone. Time to think.