Do you guys ever just think everything is perfect and then you realize that what you thought was perfect wasn’t even real? I had a big number of friends once, then I got very sick which resulted in me not being able to talk to anybody for about 3 months. And during this time none of my friends even checked in with me. Afterwards our relationship could never be the same again. I was too hurt. So one year later I decided to go on an exchange year and none of the people, who I thought were my friends, were sad to see me leave. At that point I didn’t even care anymore because all I wanted was to go on this adventure and to just have fun. And I did. I had the most amazing time ever and I met people who are so incredible, I have no words for it. Those people there, my actual friends, are still my friends now. And all of them keep making an effort to stay in contact with me and to be there for me when I need them.

When I was in Ireland, I saw those people almost everyday and I was as happy as I had never been before. Then I came back and I felt so lonely since all my (as I know call them) real friends were in another country. Of course I am friendly to the people here who I used to call my friends, but I can’t help feeling like all I’m doing is pretending to be someone I am not. What I thought to be perfection turned out to be just the opposite. This revelation changed me and it is now worse than ever to live in this same old environment. It makes me think that there must be something wrong with me or that I must have done something to offend everybody. It makes me question my every move because I just can’t figured out, why all those people don’t want to be friends with me. I don’t regret having had this revelation. To the contrary, I’m so glad to at least know what real friends are supposed to be like. Otherwise I’d probably still be “friends” with a bunch of people who don’t give a shit (excuse the expression) about me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that because of those people here I’m questioning myself and I have absolutely no self esteem. And all that while I have nobody to tell this to. I just wished that I had one good friend here and I keep hoping that somebody turns up, but nobody does.

I kind of feel bad now about complaining so much about everything, but I just wanted to get this off my mind for a while. The good thing that came out of all this is, I guess, that now, when I start all over again somewhere else where nobody knows me, I know what kind of people to keep in my life and whom to get rid of.

Ok, this turned out a lot more depressing than I wanted it to… 😉

Sooo anyways, I hope next time I’ll be writing about a happier topic.

See you then!

-B.

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